To my fellow cannibals, 

While many claim to be so hungry that they could “eat a horse,” few can claim to have the hunger and tastes that we share. Come with me on a culinary journey from brain and finger food to heads with lettuce and mashed poutine toes while I recommend some of my favorite recipes that can only be made with a mother’s love… and limbs.

For the first part of this recipe, I shall describe how to collect the main ingredient of this dish: a freshman. Not yet soiled by sometimes questionable dining hall food, 11:58:59 PM Canvas assignment submissions, crippling imposter syndrome, and cranky professors, freshmen are particularly tender and flavorful and will provide a succulent meal no matter what. In this guide, I will recommend two methods to prepare this premium meat: The Turf and Surf and The Fake Bake.

For the Turf and Surf, since we all know only freshmen go to Turf, a box propped up above a bottle of Malibu with a stick and a sign saying “Turf pregame this way” should suffice in getting your main ingredient. 

For the Fake Bake, a similar setup can be used. Substitute the Malibu for a bottle of Pink Whitney and use a sign that says “Cheap fakes this way” instead.

You’ll want a cut of their glutes and follow a standard pork butt roast, baking at 350°F for 4-5 hours for 3-4 lbs of freshman. Since their BACs are so high, marinating is not necessary.

For the Turf and Surf, a can of pineapples should be used as a glaze. You may want to pair it with grilled shrimp.

For the Fake Bake, cover your cut of butt in thinly sliced apple and sprinkle it with cinnamon sugar. To truly add to this Fake and Bake Butt Roast, you may want to serve it with my Garlic Butter Tater & Toes recipe.

I hope you all find these recipes to die for, and as they say, Bone Appetit.

Turf & Surf

(Serves 6-8)

• Malibu White Rum
• 1 large empty Amazon box (e-scooter boxes are your best bet)
• 1 forked stick
• 2 tablespoons of coarse salt
• 2 teaspoons of garlic powder
• 1 teaspoon of cumin
• 1 teaspoon of ground ginger
• 1 teaspoon of pepper
• 1 can of sliced pineapple 
• 1 lb of uncooked shrimp
• 3-4 lbs of freshman butt
• 9×13 cooking dish
• Aluminum foil

1. Preheat your oven to 400°F.
2. Generously rub your dry ingredients onto your freshman butt and rest it in the 9×13 cooking dish on one half of the canned pineapple slices, setting aside the rest of the can for later.
3. Roast the freshman for 20 minutes, pour the remaining juice from the can on top, and place it back in the oven, turning the temperature to 280°F.
4. After an hour of slow roasting, flip and baste the freshman with the juices left in the pan periodically. Once it is tender, add your remaining pineapple to the dish.
5. Once your roast reaches an internal temperature of 205°F, it should be easily pierced with a fork. This temperature eliminates dining hall-induced food poisoning in the freshman. Take it out to cool for 5-10 minutes on a cutting board before slicing.
6. As it is cooling, you may follow a grilled shrimp recipe of your liking to serve alongside.

Fake Bake

(Serves 6-8)

• Pink Whitney Vodka
• 1 large empty Amazon box
• 1 forked stick
• 2 tablespoons of vegetable oil
• 2 cups of apple cider
• 2 baking apples
• 2 cups of broth (can be made with my bone broth recipe or use chicken stock)
• 2 tablespoons of Dijon mustard
• 1 tablespoon of dehydrated minced onion
• 1 head of garlic
• 3 sprigs of rosemary
• 4 thyme sprigs
• 1 thick sliced red onion
• 2 firm and tart apples sliced into wedges (I’d recommend either the Pink Lady, McIntosh, or Empire apples from the campus farmers market)
• 1/4 tablespoon of cinnamon sugar
• 4-5 lbs of freshman butt sliced into four pieces
• Kosher salt
• Cracked black pepper
• Large Dutch Oven
• Kitchen twine

1. Set oven to 350°F
2. Trim off any excess fat
3. Pat dry with a paper towel and liberally coat with pepper and kosher salt
4. Heat your oil in the Dutch oven over medium-high heat. Once the oil is shimmering, sear the freshman for 4-5 minutes on each side until deeply browned.
5. At the same time, whisk your cider, broth, minced onion, and mustard together and add a bundle of thyme and rosemary tied together.
6. Once the freshman is browned, pour your braising liquid into the Dutch oven, add your head of garlic, cover, and place the dish in your oven.
7. Braise for 2 ½ hours, flipping halfway through, and once the pork is slightly tender, remove it and add your onion and apples. Then cover it and braise it in the oven for an additional 30-40 minutes.
8. Remove your freshman from the oven and let it rest in your braising liquid for 30 minutes. Husk the garlic cloves and salt and pepper your braising liquid to taste.
9. When serving, spoon your braising liquid over the freshman, apples, and onion. Pair it with my Garlic Butter Tater & Toes recipe.

If you unfortunately cannot acquire a freshman, you can substitute with pork butt (how dreadful) for a similar flavor.

Image Credits: Helen Hutchinson