Hello there, fellow humans. As a transfer student from Tokyo, I’ve seen my fair share of wondrous architectural feats, and I have to say, UMD is falling behind! Our football stadium is supposed to be top-notch, but there’s serious room for improvement that I think I’m uniquely qualified to point out. Using recommendations from students and only students, I’ve compiled a list of some ways SECU stadium could be greatly improved.

1. Turn off the lights at night

Many students have complained that the blinding lights from the stadium constantly shining into their dorms make it difficult for them to get a good night’s sleep. I also have heard from an anonymous source that, theoretically, if someone were to try to sleep in the stadium, it would be nearly impossible! To save power and to allow said hypothetical individual to get a proper night’s rest in the stadium, I’d recommend turning off the lights from 9 pm to 8 am on weekdays and from 3 am to 1 pm on weekends.

2. No more nighttime games

Seriously, who wants to spend all night getting pecked by mosquitoes while watching their favorite team get their ass handed to them? The stadium would be much better utilized as a place for tired individuals to finally get a goddamn good night’s sleep following, say, a day of beating up a 100 ft tall monkey with an axe.

3. Reinforce the stadium with a 200 ft thick Tungsten barrier

The last thing SECU needs is a catastrophic failure in the middle of the game. That’s why I propose to enclose the entire stadium in a 200 ft thick wall of pure Tungsten. As a pleasant side effect, it would keep all radiation in the stadium if, hypothetically, a highly radioactive mutant reptile decided to get a decent snooze in it.

4. Add another fully staffed Nuclear reactor right next to it

Speaking of radiation, this would be a slam dunk for UMD. Who needs Hagerstown anyway? Certainly not the students living there, I can tell you! It would be far better to add a clean nuclear energy source right on campus! You know what they say, “Twice the nuclear energy, twice the fun!”. This would provide tons of well-paying jobs for students and also act as an all-you-can-eat-buffet for, perhaps, an organism that feeds exclusively off radiation. 

5. Add a giant pillow to the End Zone

It would be an amazing tourist attraction! Just think, the world’s largest and softest pillow, right at UMD! Capable of supporting a 200-ton head with cooling comfort, this pillow would bring tourism from far and wide. And while you’re at it, get a giant soft blanket to complete the set! Maybe someone is so tired from sleeping on the cold, hard ground for 63 years that they’d give their soul to snuggle up just for one measly night! Please, I beg of you.

Image Credits: Joseph Kleinman