The Department of Transportation Services at the University of Maryland – College Park announced a plan to construct a cross-campus commuter zipline running from north to south campus.

This announcement was highly anticipated following extensive talks with university staff and professors from all departments and the only useful meeting the SGA has ever had, at which everyone agreed that too many students are late for class. The commuter zipline is intended as a solution to this problem by providing another option for ultra-speedy pedestrian travel at UMD. 

“Oh yeah, I’m excited for the zipline,” said freshman business major and avid scooter racer Sonia Speaded. “I might even consider going to class once it’s finished.” She then sped away on a Veo scooter before Hare staff could ask any more questions. 

With the amount of freshmen UMD keeps admitting, the need for the zipline is only expected to increase. One future Terp, a fourth grader on a field trip in the South Campus Dining Hall, said, “I’m so hype bro. That zipline is literally gonna be so rizzed up. If it’s open by the time I go here, it will be so skibidi.” 

The zipline will provide a great way to bypass purple line construction on campus and is sure to bring UMD fearlessly forward and make a nice addition to the campus skyline. It will begin on the 8th floor of Oakland Hall and will run east, making brief stops at the Xfinity Center, Cumberland Hall, and the top of SECU Stadium before heading toward South Campus and stopping at the Armory. The zipline is projected to be completed by 2050, but we at the Hare remain hopeful that we will be able to ride it within our lifetimes. 

Image Credits: Zachary Robinson