After several recent incidents on campus linked to the unrelenting body odor present in the Brendan Iribe Center, the University of Maryland’s College of Computer, Mathematical, and Natural Sciences has announced a new partnership with the air freshener brand Febreze. Starting next month, over 100 air freshener units will be placed in the Iribe and CSIC buildings, running 24/7 to combat the infamous odor. 

“We’ve heard your feedback, we’ve smelled it ourselves, and we recognize that now is the time to take action,” announced CMNS Dean Amitabh Varshney at a recent press conference to disclose the changes coming to the computer science buildings.

Varshney was compelled to take action following several students passing out from the repugnant smell since the start of the semester. Investigations by The Hare have uncovered that the University was facing a major lawsuit over “failing to meet basic educational standards” over the matter, with this program being a direct response to quell legal concerns.

Students enrolled in the computer science program will be contacted in the near future to vote on which scent is to be chosen. Febreze has developed several new scents to choose from, including “Firewall Foliage” with earthy tones and subtle hints of security vulnerabilities, and “Java Jubilee” featuring notes of rich espresso and null pointer exceptions.

Depending on the results of this program, we could see similar air fresheners installed in more prominent locations on campus as well. “We’re basically thinking about installing these things wherever CS students might show up,” said Chief Facilities Officer ​​Charles R. Reuning in a voice recording leaked last week. Reuning has also floated the idea of using Facilities funding to install showers and automatic deodorant applicators at entrances to computer science buildings, with ‘decontamination’ mandatory for all entering.

Based on the predicted surge in demand, Febreze manufacturer Procter & Gamble has broken ground on a new chemical plant in College Park. While environmental activists have raised concerns over the construction, supporters of the plan countered that the environmental impacts of the odor are even greater. With trees growing in the opposite direction of Iribe and the development of mutant squirrels without nostrils, students across campus have praised the University for solving the real problems.

Image Credits: Zachary Robinson