UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND, COLLEGE PARK–After translating the runes inscribed on the Eighth floor of McKeldin library, using forbidden arcana to track them to their source, and seeing the requisite trials to completion, UMD Hare staff were finally able to locate and obtain an interview with the Oracle of the Lost. In their infinite wisdom, Hare Staff decided to use this once-in-an-eternity opportunity to, at last, unravel the greatest mystery facing the world today: the date of the opening of Panera Bread in Stamp Student Union.

After completing the ritual and entering a magical trance, the Oracle had the following to say:

“So long as humankind has walked this Earth

Their eyes, at night, have looked to sunrise next.

In ev’ry moment void of joy or mirth

To keep the fire lit, hope’s the pretext.

In tempest rough, for hope do sailors pray

They cling to wreck, and hope storm’s end is nigh

But hope alone will not preserve the day

As shrieking bolt sinks ship and shows the lie.

‘Tis so in many times, and this is such:

When hope and promise fail to make things so.

When ocean’s ash and mountains turn to dust

And away in cold wind, the stars do blow.

All these will come to pass when hopes lay dead

Before at last opens Panera Bread.”

After conferring for a few minutes, Hare staff reached an agreement, interpreting this statement to mean that Panera should have its grand opening on April 22nd, 2024. Once open, students can look forward to trying Panera’s many baked goods and sandwiches, not to mention their new drink: the charged lemonade. We’re looking forward to seeing you there!

Image Credits: Zachary Robinson