Hi [Your Name Here],

Congrats, you’re eligible to participate in Room Selection! Unfortunately, there are no vacancies, and you should get the hell out of our dorms.

What does this mean?

Oh, you thought your group of four rising juniors was going to make it into Oakland? With a 2 pm selection time? Fat chance.

And don’t even give us any crap about “credit hours” and “seniority.” We determine our selection times fairly and didn’t feel like being fair to you this year.

Aww, you must’ve been planning this for weeks! How cute! By all means, log into the portal and see your dreams evaporate before your eyes – that is, if the portal hasn’t crashed by then.

Still want a room?

You people are exhausting. Fine, I’ll pull up that Excel sheet. Uh, we got a forced bunked double – that’s a single that we shoved an extra bed into. Ooh, you could go for a Denton triple – that’s a double that we shoved an extra bed into. And yes, your group will be split up. 

What if I No Longer Need Housing?

Good.

Just Get an Apartment Already

Come on, sign the lease. You and your besties can have a great time in the Tempo or whatever. All we know is you’d better like it, because your ass isn’t going anywhere near the dorms after that.

Stay Off!

Hope to see you off-campus for the 2024-2025 Academic Year!

Article by: Ian Jackson