Squadrons of helicopter parents entering the airspace above the University of Maryland campus will now be detectable and discourageable via a surface-to-air surveillance network per a recent change in University policy.

Funding has been cut from the Office of Family Engagement and repurposed to procure surplus military radar equipment capable of locating helicopters of all sizes. The University has installed the equipment throughout College Park in hopes of providing early notice regarding airborne mothers and fathers.

When radioed by the UMD Hare to comment on the policy change, Connecticut resident Cee Hawk and her husband Black ignored the question and began to respond, “Hi, we made our son apply for the Banneker/Key scholarship, and we need to know what sort of questions will be on the interv-” before realizing they were being watched by a radar station and fleeing the airspace.

This dramatic (but effective) countermeasure has already proven effective in chasing off dozens of the overhead overbearers seeking to hover in place over their adult children. The system’s designer, Dr. Lith M. Kizalone, attributed its success to reversing the power of shame: “The NO-U Early Warning Network gives helicopter parents the same look of disappointment that our parents always gave us. Just in radiation form.”

The system has earned UMD widespread praise from its undergraduate student body for improving mental health, with most students awarding Dr. Kizalone a 10 on the Pines-Rice Psychological Well-Being Scale of ‘Extend Thanksgiving Break’ to 10.

“It made [my parents] realize that this is my life. I hope they understand,” music major Brent ‘Smith’ Bell remarked after his parents, Mr. and Mrs. Bell, had flown away. “I’m not angry, I’m just saying sometimes goodbye is a second chance.”

The radar equipment has received a limited amount of criticism at the time of this publication, partly from the now control-deprived parents and partly from public health advocates accusing the radiation-based technology of being “literally cancer.”

Image Credits: Zachary Robinson