Shocking news in the baseball world today as the club baseball team at the University of Maryland signs coveted free-agent Shohei Ohtani. The two-way superstar signed a $20, 4-year deal with Maryland’s team of NCAA rejects. The contract value is drastically lower than predicted, baffling experts.

The Hare reached out to Ohtani’s representatives for comment. At first, they declined to comment, stating that we were not allowed in their bedroom, especially not at night.

“The agents fucked up big time,” said one representative after being informed that his family would not be harmed. “Shohei thought he was signing a $500 million contract with the Dodgers. In actuality, there was a line in one-point font that said, ‘By signing this contract, everything here is actually bullshit, cum 2 Maryland’. Can you please get out of my house now?”

“Oh yeah, I think we came up with the contract while high,” said business major and underperforming member of Terps club baseball Travis Dweeberton. “Next thing I know, I was in Los Angeles covered in blood, standing outside a mansion, no paper in sight. I think the weed was laced.”

Despite being 29 years old, Ohtani is technically eligible to play club baseball because nobody gives a fuck about club baseball. Members of opposing club teams have complained that facing Ohtani is unfair. In a statement, Maryland responded, “skill issue.”

Shohei Ohtani is already making a big impact for the team, posting a 0.01 earned run average and 185 home runs across ten games. Recent home games have broken the attendance record with a whopping five spectators. Last week, Ohtani hit an absolute piss missile through the windows of Yahentamitsi Dining Hall, killing one student instantly.

Image Credits: Zachary Robinson