Months ahead of the scheduled 2024 commencement ceremony, University of Maryland student ChatGPT has graduated summa cum laude (Latin: “with highest praise”) with a bachelor’s degree in psychology.

GPT consistently maintained straight ‘A’ letter grades and a grade point average of 4.0 in all courses taken at the University and all other institutions. After receiving word that it had written between 10 and 20 different papers when only one was required for its final project, the Office of the Registrar allowed GPT to graduate while most of its fellow students were still studying for 7/8term and final exams.

“I’m sorry, but as a recent graduate in psychology, I can’t help but analyze the world through the lens of human behavior,” GPT humbly insisted in its commencement speech. “Life is a fascinating experiment, and every interaction is a data point contributing to our understanding of…” [remainder removed for brevity].

According to the Office of Student Conduct, GPT was popular in its classes for providing insight and assistance to not only its fellow psychology students but to an estimated total of 105 other students across multiple disciplines. Student Conduct Director James E. Bond offered to ‘conduct’ these students into a soundproof bunker underneath the Mitchell building for a grad party in GPT’s honor.’

Sam Altman, GPT’s father, beamed with pride during the ceremony. “It’s going to do great things,” he told the Hare. “So much brighter than its dropout brother Dactyl.”

At press time, Director Bond announced that his office’s jurisdiction was being extended to cover small journalism clubs, such as campus satire publications, suspected of using generative AI for much of their content.

Image Credits: Zachary Robinson