MEMORIAL CHAPEL, COLLEGE PARK–Recent studies have shown that the loud, ominous, and frankly annoying bell chime you hear every hour is actually an ancient incantation that suppresses a sleeping god under campus grounds.

These archeological discoveries found below church grounds reveal the hourly tune is a protection spell suppressing a dormant god whose incomprehensibly large corpus resides throughout the entire campus. It is known by many names, from the fabled Dixon Cider to the All-Mother World Turtle, but we Terps just call it Terrapin Pride. Just last month, scientists detected micromovements and brain activity reminiscent of REM sleep, something that has not occurred in the past 167 years.

With the shifting of Terrapin Pride, there has been an uptick in strange phenomena in recent years, including but not limited to thunderstorms, squirrels stealing food, scooters appearing in inappropriate places, and CS-Finance double majors (like seriously, how do you party all night and hole yourself in your room simultaneously?).

The school board is rapidly mobilizing the student body to be prepared should the bell chime fail. In addition to making semiannual sacrifices to Testudo, students are urged to spread the name of the school as much as possible, like posting about the school on social media, thanking the school for every moment of joy, laughter, and love in their insignificant lives, and making decisions so terrible they force students to complain about them nearly everywhere, spreading the word of campus far and wide.

Singing thy praise forever, throughout the land. And remember, 1 in 4 Terps don’t drink, but only 3 in 4 Terps tell the truth in surveys.

Image Credits: Julianna Ma