In a recent email, President Pines announced that Thanksgiving Break would be extended by two days. Students rejoiced until psychology student Ment L. Helth noticed some fine print at the bottom of the page. The print reads as follows:

“In order to account for the missed classroom time due to this extension, the University of Maryland will be effectively canceling Winter Break until further notice. Students will finish their fall semester on December 19th and will begin their spring semester on December 20th because fuck you! Love, Pines.”

Helth sent out a panicked Yik Yak, which is allegedly “the most trustworthy news source at this point,” according to students, and chaos ensued. Petitions to bring back Winter Break circled around, protests were formed by the students who still had enough energy to leave their dorm, and multiple letters to Santa begging for time off were written. 

“I haven’t done my laundry for two months and am starting to hear voices coming from the pile. I think I’ve accidentally grown an organism or something in there. I’m afraid,” commented Debra Shun, “I need time off desperately, or else we could have a The Last of Us situation on our hands.”

In an interview, President Pines admitted that the decision was “a little drastic.” However, he stood by it, as the University of Maryland is a “rigorous and challenging institution,” which makes it “totally okay to never give students a break” because the administration was “already being so generous.” 

When asked about how canceling two days warrants him to add thirty more, Pines’ pupils formed two cartoonish-like dollar signs as he commented in a voice resembling Mr. Krabs from Spongebob Squarepants:

“Money! Ack ack ack ack ack!”

Image Credits: Jesse Martin