Fuck you SGA! If you weren’t already aware, the UMD Student Government Association decided to take a short break from bungling their own stupid elections to underfund all clubs at UMD (not a joke). Even the greatest journalistic publication of the century, the UMD Hare, wasn’t spared the carnage. After countless calls and emails, our lovely student body told us to “eat shit” and we were forced to chop our magazine down to 24 pages.

Unfortunately, they picked on the wrong damn club. Because now we have numerous gags, article ideas, and memes ready to be unleashed upon the SGA like a swarm of locusts. Here are some of our absolute favorites, listed in no particular order. Get fucked Student Government! Pay your damn clubs!

1. “SGA members allocate money from budget cuts to buy friends”
2. “Al Capone to fund clubs, student satisfaction at all-time high”
3. “WARNING: SGA has purchased Park Place and Boardwalk, built hotels on both”
4. “Wario hired as new SGA manager, promises nothing will change”
5. “OPINION: SGA does NOT have the right to take away my Xbox”
6. “Mandatory SGA leadership summit to take place in Dubai”
7. ““The game was rigged from the start” says SGA representative”
8. “SGA: “It’s not about the money, oh wait, it is””
9. ““I am altering the deal, pray that I don’t alter it any further,” says SGA supervisor Darth Vader”
10. “Not breaking news: SGA acting like real government officials”
11. “Breaking news: desperate Hare Editor creates OnlyFans for club fundraiser”
12. “The SGA fucked us so I fucked their president’s mom, an analysis.”
13. “”Santa isn’t real” says SGA to child”
14. “Op-ed: Sowwy we couwdn’t get the clubs theiw money but we’we weawwy stwuggwing hewe :>”
15. “SGA president reveals upcoming plans to take to the skies, burn Lake-Town to ash”
16. “SGA uses budget cuts to pay off forged signatures lawsuit”
17. “SGA ruling requires all club treasurers to have at least 4 years experience before requesting funding”
18. “SGA president wakes up to the severed head of favorite purebred in bed with him”
19. “Saul Goodman refusing to defend SGA, citing them as “too corrupt for my tastes””
20. “SGA cancels spring 2024 semester due to mismanagement of funds”

Image Credits: Kenlynn Ingham