The University of Maryland Police Department (UMPD) and the UMD Department of Transportation Services (DOTS) have requested that operators of motor vehicles refrain from using Red Shells as offensive projectiles against students riding scooters on campus roads.

The mildly impassioned plea was made after a mass increase in scooter-related accidents over the past month. These accidents included scooters colliding with other scooters, scooters colliding with pedestrians, scooters colliding with the realization of how stupid they actually look on those things, and, most prominently, scooters colliding with crimson carapaces being launched by the drivers of passing automobiles.

“We’re so excited to see our high carbon footpr– I mean devoted motorist community expressing their Terp pride!” exclaimed DOTS representative Slasher Tyres, referencing the red-colored weapons reminiscent of the University’s branding. “However, 24 of our micromobile students have become… well… even less mobile after being diagnosed with Ragdoll Syndrome. Therefore, we will temporarily be restricting the use of Red Shells on the Campus Drive Circuit and Regents Rumble tracks as a safety precaution.”

Prior to the restriction, initial reactive measures taken by UMPD and DOTS had included painting additional ‘Walk Your Wheels’ indicators on sidewalks and crosswalks, half-heartedly urging riders to be more cautious. These soon proved ineffective as traffic cameras caught footage of yet another scooter rider eating gravel while the culprit shouted “Wahoo!” and sped away in a Wild Wing-series sports car.

Many scooter-riding students have been far from passive with regard to the increase in attacks. Citing an obscure clause in the Bill of Rights, several scooter militia groups have agreed to unite and form the Veo Defense Force (VDF), using swarm tactics to overwhelm any motorists observed receiving a Red Shell after picking up one of the ‘?’ cubes scattered across campus.

“We’re not fucking around,” proclaimed VDF five-star general Handel Barr. “If [the drivers] aren’t going to stop running down our brethren, then we will raise our banana peels high in defiance and fight back!” VDF’s public affairs officer continues to deny allegations that General Barr throws his Veo scooters off bridges after use.

At press time, DOTS had allowed drivers to use the Mowatt Meadows and Lot Six Showdown tracks as PvP areas between the hours of 3-5 a.m. while most commuter students are gone. Reports of tires being stolen from Karts have increased by 64% since then.

Image Credits: Kenlynn Ingham