The purpose of this e-mail is to make you aware of a world-ending cataclysm currently approaching from off-campus near the University of Maryland, College Park campus.

INCIDENT: Off-Campus Imminent Extinction with an Asteroid

OCCURRING: Less than a week from now

LOCATION: Earth

HOW FUCKED ARE WE: Completely and quantifiably fucked

BRIEF DETAILS:

On September 28, 2023, at approximately 8:50 a.m., the University of Maryland Police Department received information from the National Aeronautics and Space Administration about an off-campus asteroid hurtling towards Earth.

People who watch the sky for a living reported that a 5-kilometer-wide fragment of a dead hunk of rock and metal is projected to impact the North Atlantic Ocean. Billions of casualties are expected to occur due to the shockwave, sun-blocking dust plume, tsunamis, earthquakes, and other side effects.

UMPD was unable to apprehend the asteroid, due to the Novaldex power generators being stolen off of planetary defense ships while they were parked in Mowatt Lane Garage.

The National Aeronautics and Space Administration is investigating whether or not there is a God. Individuals with any information regarding this incident and/or what mortal sin we committed to deserve this punishment are encouraged to keep it to themselves.

Safety Tips:

The University of Maryland Police Department provides a walking escort service for anyone who feels unsafe when walking on or near campus. Unfortunately, no one will actually answer if you call the number, at least not coherently, as all the escorts have been engaging in a nihilistic marathon of drinking, drugs, and irresponsible fornication.

There is no longer any need to stay alert and attuned to people and circumstances around you. Effective immediately, exams are canceled, all construction implements on campus have been removed, all parking lots are unrestricted, and the usage of bicycles and scooters is now permitted on all campus sidewalks. Maryland Dairy will no longer be staffed; free ice cream is first come, first served.

Please ignore the large tuition-funded Pluto escape rocket protruding from the T. Miller Administration building. That’s for the President and his staff, not you.

The Maryland Victory Song will be broadcast over all PA systems and air raid sirens fifteen minutes prior to impact.

As a reminder construction will resume following the destruction of the planet’s Lithosphere, and on-campus smoking remains prohibited in the afterlife.

Image Credits: Clare Dombrosky