The Maryland Terrapins start the season with five straight unanswered wins for the first time in over twenty years. Not only have our boys been eating a whole lotta Ws (shoutout Jameis), but they have also secured their victories by a margin of 18 points or more. These blowouts have made our wins even more impressive to everyone except Tampa Bay Rays shortstop Wander Franco, who believes that such a large margin of victory is “too much” and would prefer a smaller margin of about fourteen or so.

The Terps’ next game may be the most challenging one yet as they gear up to play the South Carroll High School Varsity Football team on Saturday. South Carroll, a high school located in Eldersburg, Maryland, with a total enrollment of less than a thousand students, is currently 0-5. Considering Maryland’s track record of opponents, this makes them a worthy challenge for the Terps. 

We reached out to Terrapins Coach Mike Locksley and asked him how the team was preparing for the upcoming matchup. “Well, we actually have to watch film now; this is a team that should be taken seriously.” When asked what he meant by “actually,” Locksley reported that the team previously watched about 30 minutes of inspirational TikToks on having a “Sigma Grindset” and then played Fortnite for hours each practice.

The Terps will be on the road this weekend, traveling about an hour up North to play on an uneven high school field riddled with divots and weeds. Luckily, the players still prefer this to turf fields. 

“This game will be both a physical and mental challenge for us,” said Locksley. “After playing our recent opponents, we imagine these high schoolers will be stronger and smarter. They might even know how to play football!” Rumors have it that Hoosiers quarterback Tayven Jackson was searching for “how to throw a football tutorial” on YouTube an hour before kickoff last weekend.

With a win over the South Carroll Cavaliers this upcoming Saturday, maybe, just maybe, the Terps will be ranked in next week’s AP poll. The Terps fight an uphill battle to be ranked, as both the Alabama School for the Inbred and Bethesda Doggy Daycare’s football teams finally cracked the top 25 last week. Maryland will face off against Bethesda Doggy Daycare later in the season. UMD’s corners are already preparing to line up across from their five-star recruit golden receiver, Air Bud.

Image Credits: Bennett Sellers