I write this essay to suggest a modest proposal that will benefit the University of Maryland as a whole. For too long we have been subject to unnecessarily high tuition, food prices, and administrative mismanagement. I believe I have found a solution to our troubles, one that any Terp will find to be most suitable.

Pell Grant recipients are best served buttered, seared, and with a side of gravy. While the meat lacks a rich flavor, it makes for a quick savory meal when seasoned well. This expansive food source presents several advantages.

First, the obvious result of a newly acquired food source is the decrease in costs to consumers. While the price of eggs has been on the rise, the price of meat will decline as the supply increases. Simply put, this proposal is highly economical.

Moreover, while the food supply will increase, the student population will decrease. This is an ideal result for quite a few reasons. Obviously, the more outstanding citizens of society will no longer have to rub shoulders with unsavory characters. Additionally, the university will experience an increase in housing availability, shorter course waitlists, and relief of stress on the school’s administration.

Finally, this proposal will help not only the university, but the federal government. By reducing the number of people receiving handouts, we can help reduce the federal budget. This sum of money can go into more useful projects, such as military development or construction of more parking lots.

I will soon present this essay to the Student Government Association, who will no doubt approve of this proposal. Attached will be a recommendation to Dining Hall Services on how best to prepare Pell Grant recipients.

Image Credits: Kenlynn Ingham