Bethesda Softworks recently released its role-playing game Starfield to critical acclaim. The new game is the first original intellectual property developed by Bethesda in over 25 years. While many have praised Starfield for its story and gameplay, The Hare seeks to review the game from a new angle. We ask the question: is Starfield good enough of a replacement for your astronomy classes?

The following are some facts about Starfield. Our team has reviewed each one and provided an analysis of their accuracy.

Faster-than-light travel is possible via grav-jumping

This is, of course, complete lunacy. The biggest rule of astronomy is “Thou shalt not go faster than the speed of light.” Don’t learn physics from video games. Especially because we’re talking about a company that calls glitches “features.” Go to class to prevent any brain rot caused by Todd Howard.

You can fire bullets and missiles in space with very little consequence

First, the extreme heat and cold in space would cause traditional weapons to stop working after a single shot. However, this is pretty dope, so if your professor tells you otherwise, ignore them. Additionally, this is America, so you can shoot bullets into your next-door neighbor’s house without any consequences! Pretty close to real life; no need to go to lecture.

Even in space, there are cowboys

The cowboy aesthetic has survived for centuries, from Republican LARPers to sorority girls with all the personality of a slice of white bread. Cowboy-ism will most likely yeehaw its way into the wild black yonder. This immersive experience is simply too good to miss, even for your future career. However, a career change to “mysterious space scoundrel” might be in order.

Ramen is abundant

College students are practically tripping over ramen packets as we speak. Due to exponential growth, by the time Starfield is set, ramen will likely cover the entirety of North America. Don’t bother going to class; noodles are already blocking your door.

Ships have artificial gravity 

This is likely impossible (or at least impossible by current physics standards). However, the pressure of a calculus exam with no formula sheet could be sufficient to flatten someone in a zero-gravity environment, so it’s accurate enough to skip a class that would do it to you anyway.

You can find romance

If you’re spending enough time on Starfield, this is completely unrealistic. If you continue to sit in your dorm playing video games all day, you will remain partnerless forever. For the love of god, go to lectures and actually talk to people. Make a human connection for once. You’re not a Sigma male. You’re just sad.

There’s sound in space

Sound can’t travel in space, and thus this is the opposite of accurate. Of course, you can just switch off the volume, and boom, you’re star-hopping. Or drain all the air from your dorm to get the same effect. Either way, you probably won’t be going to class any time soon.

Interplanetary travel takes five seconds

Traveling to Mars would take months of being cooped up with people you probably hate, which is exactly like a group project. Stay home and play the game to save yourself the headache.

Earth is a barren wasteland in the 24th century

We’re almost there anyway. Soon the planet will be so inhospitable (and covered in ramen) that you won’t even have the option to go to class.

Your parents love you

Your parents might stop calling you a disappointment if you just go to class for once. Stop failing astrophysics and maybe your mom will let you come home for Thanksgiving. 

Verdict: Just play the game. School isn’t that important. Who the fuck wants to be an astronomer anyways?

Apologies to all our astronomy professors. All hail Todd.

Image Credits: Clare Dombrosky