Starting in Spring 2024, the University of Maryland will debut a new general education requirement for all students entitled “ITVT800: Dealing With Club Recruiters,” the first in the college’s all-new Introvert Studies department. The new 3-credit class appeals to campus pedestrians wishing to avoid being coaxed into joining another extracurricular or sacrificing their personality for three Greek letters. We at the Hare have acquired a bootleg copy of the syllabus via morally ambiguous means, and here’s what we found on the topic list:

Forecasting: The first thing covered is which days the representatives and their tables are most likely to appear. It appears this material will be some of the easiest in the course— after all, no one wants to get led on by the signs advertising some cool “Fair” on McKeldin Mall, only to show up and find that there are more recruiters there than in my DMs. I’ll join the U.S. Army when there’s an actual war, Sergeant Whatsyourname, thank you.

Securing Safe Passage: Mostly, this unit is about how much money is fair when haggling with Facilities Management for a ride in their golf cart.

Red Zone Avoidance: Prepare for lots of memory work on what places to steer clear of. McKeldin Mall is an obvious one, as is Hornbake Plaza. Students will also identify lesser-known areas that seem safer than they actually are; as it turns out, if you reserve a study carrel, you should peek through the window before you go in. (You should probably do that in general, but…)

Diversionary Tactics: This appears to be the hardest unit. ITVT800 will show you how far to throw an “Emergency Orange Chicken” piece from the Y, which you can save in your bag for such an occasion. That’ll distract everybody. But if all else fails, grab some random student and exclaim, “Hey, I think my friend is interested!” And then run.

Feigning Interest: Sometimes, you just have to talk to one of them. The final module will teach the proper inflection for your “yeah uh-huh sure” and where you can burn the brochure after you escape the jaws of The Pitch.

(Our source got their ‘Kiss Me I’m A Senior’ button revoked trying to get this document to us. Don’t let their sacrifice be for naught; study hard.)

Image Credits: Clare Dombrosky