With the success of COVID-19’s surprise appearance at NextNOW Fest 2023, staff have already announced a whole 51 weeks in advance that it will be coming back for NextNOW Fest 2024. “COVID-19’s been really easy to book despite their viral levels of popularity lately. We expect it’ll be the biggest thing at NextNOW Fest 2024,” said a representative.

Audience turnout for COVID-19 in 2023 was much larger than expected, with those waiting to watch standing in two lines. COVID-19 then took the stage and blew the audience away, performing hits such as “Jessica,” “Michael,” and “Arjun.”

While too small for the naked eye to see on stage, audience members claimed that chanting “where creativity and community converge” ten times allowed them to see the particles in microscopic detail. “I didn’t know my eyes could do that,” said Wilhelmina-Holly Oberson, throwing her glasses away.

A similar musical performance by Raveena at NextNOW Fest 2023 featured her “shadow” as a dancer. COVID-19 invited their shadow, the 1918 Flu, to serve as backup dancers. “What a dilly of a time. That show was duck soup!” said the 1918 Flu.

Since their appearance, the COVID-19 fandom has been spreading rapidly among UMD students. “Wow. What a performance. I feel the same physically. But emotionally? I feel completely changed. I got chills, a headache, shortness of breath and/or difficulty breathing, and a new loss of taste or smell,” said Cristina De Castro. “I definitely think that people will be talking about this for the next 5-14 days.” 

She adds that her “bias” is the “Delta variant.”

NextNOW Fest 2024 is also set to feature “Ricky Montgomery but with music for straight people this time” and “aggressively beatboxing soundcheck guy.” Montgomery’s performance will feature heterosexual hits “Mrs. Loverwoman” and “Line With a Hook (I Understand How Fishing Works).” Guy will be performing bangers “Boom Boom Brow Chicka Wicka Wicky Beep Boop” and “Poosba Poomba Picka Picka Picka Wee Woo Wee Woo (Let’s Gooo).”

Wow! If you weren’t looking forward to NextNOW Fest 2024 before, you should be (next) now!

[Note: The Hare does not advise writing satire under the influence of COVID-19.]

Image Credits: Clare Dombrosky