A recent structural integrity assessment of the University of Maryland’s Brendan Iribe Center for Computer Science and Engineering found that the building’s namesake, entrepreneur and UMD alumnus Brendan Iribe, will likely live longer than the Center itself.

The comprehensive inspection, conducted by Jennifer Ga Infrastructure Solutions, confirmed that the building’s already well-known architectural shortcomings will eventually cause it to collapse into the Glenn L. Martin engineering hall, causing a ‘domino effect’ that will end with the conversion of the Stamp Student Union into an open-air space. The cataclysmic event is estimated to occur sometime within the Oculus Inc. cofounder’s life expectancy period.

“At first the motion sensors won’t turn on the bathroom faucets for you, or you get shocked while trying to charge your phone with the counter outlets,” explained JenGa I.S. professional Idyll Krumbull, who agreed to be interviewed outside the Center. “Then suddenly a load-bearing wall calls it quits and brings the ceiling down on top of someone’s Boston Dynamics robo—” Krumbull could not be reached for further comment after being knocked unconscious by a window pane falling from the top floor.

UMD has taken active mitigation measures in anticipation of the looming crisis by relocating all scheduled lectures in the affected buildings to the Reckord Armory, with overflow being redirected to the Engineering Recreation Field. Construction materials for repairing the expected damage to the campus began to arrive this morning, in unusual transport trucks labeled “Teal Line.”

Hare reporters reached out to Brendan Iribe himself for comment. He responded “What? Who said that?” whilst stumbling around with a Rift S headset covering his eyes.

At press time, the central portion of the building abruptly ceased to exist within this metaphysical plane after a professor wrote the Java expression “System.exit(0)” on a whiteboard.

Image Credits: Zachary Robinson