Fame: the true metric of success. Here are not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, but six University of Maryland alumni who are not famous, if that’s ever been something you wanted to know.

• Your dad’s coworker.

This guy is 35 and his cubicle is adorned with a huge “FEAR THE TURTLE” flag. The only thing he loves more than his school is his daughter, Alma Mater. However, it seems that he has served the University more than it has served him because this man is not famous. 

• Jim Henson’s college best friend.

Certainly, during his time at UMD, there was some guy who was Jim Henson’s closest friend—how close they actually were or whether they stayed in touch is an entirely different question. Despite having been in the same Academic Writing class or whatever it was with Jim Henson, this dude will never have a statue on campus, or else I would’ve heard of his ass.

• Jake.

Everyone knows a Jake who goes to UMD; everyone will know a Jake who went to UMD. None of them will achieve stardom. Beautiful! Maybe they should try going by Jacob instead.

• A student athlete who suffered a career-ending injury in high school.

This guy was going to be on one of the D1 teams at UMD, but suffered a career-ending injury (he broke his pinky toe), and his career is ended now. He will live a good life, but never a great one, because he is not famous.

• Neil Young.

Find it hard to believe that renowned singer-songwriter Neil Young attended UMD? That’s because he didn’t, and this one is a lie. Also, I was talking about a different, less famous guy named Neil Young. He also did not go to UMD. He’s tired of people making jokes about his name, but imagine how much more annoyed he’ll be when he finds out I put him on this list of people who are not famous!

• Your future self.

I mean, purely statistically speaking. I’m sorry you had to find out this way. Did you really think you were going to be famous, though? I mean, we can’t ALL be the author of Six University of Maryland Alumni who are Not Famous.

Image Credits: Clare Dombrosky