The University of Maryland’s Department of Transportation Services announced today that student access to on-campus parking lots is now controlled by a set of academic prerequisites managed under a Limited Enrollment Program.

Originally devised to add more prestige to an already prestigious school, LEPs restrict admission to certain academic majors by requiring prospective students of these disciplines to complete a series of “gateway courses” and maintain a grade point average above a specified threshold. In a written press release, DOTS stated its intention to gatekeep parking permits from students based on similar criteria.

“Our parking lots have limited space and, therefore, have more competitive admission criteria beyond the university’s general requirements,” explained DOTS representative Sye Tashun.

UMD’s parking portal website was promptly updated with the new requirements students must satisfy before they are allowed to pay hundreds of dollars for a parking permit. These include earning letter grades of C- or above in ENCE370 (Introduction to Transportation Engineering and Planning) and brand-new course LMAO027 (Construction and You: Navigating Campus While We Navigate Its Future), as well as a final test involving driving a predetermined course around College Park without coming within 20 yards of a single pedestrian at any time.

Incoming freshmen and transfer students who do not immediately meet the LEP requirements will be placed into a major dubbed Lean-Tos and ShaCks (LTSC), where they will be expected to construct makeshift shelters for themselves out of cardboard and accident debris along the shoulders of the Capitol Beltway. They will be allowed to park their vehicles within these shelters while they complete the prerequisite courses under the guidance of a DOTS academic advisor.

“As an alternative, you can still commute to campus on foot, via ShuttleUMD, or aboard the brand-new Purple Line when it becomes operational in mid-2027,” offered another DOTS employee, Slasher Tyres, in response to immediate backlash from the commuter student body. “What do you mean you’ll have graduated by then? ENCE370 alone has, like, three of its own prerequisites and requires you to major in engineering! Don’t be silly!”

At press time, the first wave of majors in Land-based Motorized Automobile Operations (LMAO) received their parking permits from DOTS for the Terrapin Trail Garage, only to discover that the garage was completely cut off from the rest of campus by the Gossett Basketball Performance Center construction site.

Image Credits: Zachary Robinson