Following student complaints surrounding construction on campus, the University of Maryland has erected a 12 ft. tall concrete barrier along Campus Drive. The obstruction, dubbed the “Campus Drive Wall,” was constructed in mere hours and is already surrounded by barbed wire and armed soldiers.

Prior to the Campus Drive Wall’s construction, students expressed frustration with the poorly designed detours and crosswalks. At their narrowest, the crosswalks were only 2 inches wide, impeding both pedestrian and automobile traffic. Complaints did not fall on deaf ears, as the school did have a solution, however unpopular.

The construction of the wall was a controversial decision but one that the university felt was necessary. When asked for comment, a university representative stated, “We are so sick and tired of hearing people complain about the construction. Our temporary crosswalks, while too small for even mice, are still crosswalks. But noooo, that wasn’t good enough for you. You just had to keep complaining. Well, guess what? No one gets to cross anymore. You blew your chance.”

Shortly after their statement, an additional stretch of the wall was completed, encircling the entirety of North Campus. Almost 80% of the freshman class is now trapped within. Any person attempting to flee or cross the barrier has been turned away and detained in the Reckord Armory. Emergency airlifts of food, supplies, and Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey are underway.

Social unrest spurred the ghost of Ronald Reagan to give a rousing speech in front of Yahentamitsi Dining Hall, where he declared, “President Pines, you tear down this wall!” He was subsequently booed off stage and was later seen distributing crack in Ellicott Hall.

Image Credits: Katherine Cox