In a recent email, President Pines declared that the University of Maryland is officially in its “construction era.” Dust and forklifts cover every square inch of campus in support of this effort. With projects such as the Purple Line, new residence halls, refurbished classroom buildings, probably something football-related, and a secret fifth thing, UMD has gone above and beyond in becoming the least walkable campus in the tri-state area.

“The color green is so last year, so I decided to remove all of it!” Pines states, “Hot girl summer is over, and we cannot wait to make a smooth transition into forklift girl fall.”

The so-called “it girl” of this era, the Purple Line, has been heralded as “extremely beneficial” to campus. University officials have neglected to expand on those benefits, but promise that it will amount to a “sizable slay, rather than a nay.” Officials also say that this project “is giving ‘campus glow up,’” but neglect to give us the completion date. 

In terms of the other projects, Pines reassures students that they won’t interfere too heavily with campus life. 

“The only places that will be affected by renovations are Stamp Student Union, Yahentamitsi, South Dining Hall, 251 Dining Hall, the north campus residence halls, the south campus residence halls…”

Pines continued listing places for approximately 45 minutes.

“But the girl’s bathroom in the basement of Tawes is all yours!” he avowed.

Following an administrator whispering something in his ear, Pines revised his previous statement:

“The third stall in the girl’s bathroom in the basement of Tawes is mostly yours!”

The University states that they are grateful for all the student support that the students do not have a say in. They also hint that following forklift girl fall, there are talks of implementing a wrench girl winter and a screwdriver girl spring.

Image Credits: Zachary Robinson