COLLEGE PARK – On Saturday, May 6th, a shocking turn of events unfolded as protestors stampeded into Student Government Association headquarters in Stamp Student Union. The influx of rioters was linked to a nearby rally held at McKeldin Mall by current SGA President, Sue Donim.

At the rally, Donim gave a passionate speech, claiming that her opposition, the Terrapin Party, was attempting to steal the recent SGA elections from Donim’s Terp Party (not to be confused with the Terrapin Party). According to Donim, members of the Terrapin Party placed their drinks on a table without using a coaster, clearly violating election procedures. “These animals think they can just leave their condensation all over my table!” said Donim. “I want an immediate recount!” 

Rioters made their way through the building, chanting “Stop the steal!” and “not my table!”. Some supporters were calling for the immediate execution of every member of the Terrapin Party (once again, not the same thing as the Terp Party). UMPD was on the scene to control the riots, but were quickly overwhelmed when students walked past them at a brisk pace. So far, no major injuries have been reported. One police officer sustained a minor injury after he forgot to blow on his coffee before drinking it and burnt his tongue.

The scandal, dubbed “Tablegate”, sparked reactions from the UMD community, ranging from “Oh no! Anyway…” to “Meh” to “Honestly, I don’t know why we’re giving the situation this much attention. It’s pretty petty to launch and entire campaign against those that disagree with you simply because they used a table incorrectly. SGA is just a fantasy land where these political science majors get to believe that they’re actually doing something meaningful instead of simply embarrassing themselves. It’s cute that SGA thinks it’s an actual political organization instead of a roleplaying club.”

The riot was eventually quelled when a lone student asked “Wait, how are they are going to steal an election that no one voted in?” When protestors realized that no one in the university actually voted in SGA elections, they left and went home.

Image Credits: Amelia Nur