In breaking news today, Gregory Heffley, star of the world-famous Diary of a Wimpy Kid series, has been rejected from the University of Maryland. Heffley, a senior student at Crossland High School, became world-famous after publication of his middle school “journal” detailing his various escapades at school, home, and on vacation. 

When told the news, Heffley was astonished. “Wait a second,” he said. “I got rejected from UMD? How? They have a fucking statue of me! I know middle school me wasn’t the best guy out there, but since then, I’ve made sure to get my GPA up, join a few clubs, and pass the SAT. What did I do wrong?”

In response, Undergraduate Admissions employee Zera Chance offered The Hare a rare behind-the-scenes look at the committee process. While students send applications via the Common App system, Chance clarified that the university first prints a physical copy of each application before subjecting it to the so-called “Terrapin Thunderdome,” which includes two industrial paper shredders, a vat full of boiling acid, and a one-way teleporter to Mount Doom. 

“Mr. Heffley wasn’t rejected because of his publicly expressed sociopathic tendencies or massive narcissism,” Chance explained. “I believe his application managed to skirt by the ninth circle of hell, but unfortunately was intercepted by a shark armed with laser beams. We take every student’s application extremely seriously here, and we wish Mr. Heffley all the best in his future endeavors. In plain English, he can go fuck himself.”

Upon hearing the explanation, Heffley shook his head and fell into a despondent slump. “You know, I didn’t apply for any other schools. I thought I had UMD locked in.” Pausing, Heffley took a few moments to think. “Though I have to ask, does The Hare have any openings? I have a few more stories to tell.”

Unfortunately, The Hare writer in charge of processing his application was run over by a construction dozer on Campus Drive and buried underneath the Purple Line. 

Image Credits: Andrew Simone