COLLEGE PARK— In a shocking turn of events, University President Darryll Pines was found caught in a life-size leprechaun trap last Friday evening. Next to the trap was engineering student Connor O’Leary, gripping a small pot of gold.

“I can’t believe it worked,” O’Leary commented, “This will cover at least one semester of tuition!”

As we all know, it is almost impossible to find Dr. Pines when he is not at a fancy dinner, formal event, or Welcome Weekend near the area where they hand out Testudo condoms. He is so well known for being elusive that rumors spread of him using some kind of magic to stay hidden. Leprechaun magic, that is. 

Rumors turned into theories as students came forward, claiming that he “ran away at an inhuman speed” as soon as they made eye contact with him. One student, Forleef Clover, claims he “straight up disappeared. Like, he saw me, flashed a mischievous grin, and poof. Gone.” 

Connor O’Leary was the first to be successful in catching him. When asked about how he did it, O’Leary explained: “I knew I needed something to lure him with, so I got one of those big novelty checks and customized it to say ‘TO: THE MOST FEARLESS TERP— DARRYLL PINES’.” 

When choosing the location, O’Leary tried to prevent any interference with the plan. He said that he needed to “hang the cage in a place that is usually deserted— a place that nobody goes to unless they absolutely have to.”

After hanging the cage in the Armory and placing the check directly underneath, Connor O’Leary’s plan was complete. President Pines was there in seconds. As he grabbed the check, the cage dropped and successfully trapped him. O’Leary claims that Pines reached into his pocket and pulled out a pot of gold, giving it to him since O’Leary won. 

We reached out to President Pines for comment but were told that he would only talk to us if we found him at the end of the rainbow, and it was cloudy when I was writing this.

Image Credits: Andrew Simone