I mean, just look at it; I know that man uses Baldy’s Buffer brand bald head shiner to make sure his cranium shines brighter than a cue-ball at the snooker world cup. As a matter of fact, I don’t know if I’ve even watched an entire UMD basketball game this season on account of how alluring that chrome-dome is. 

Whether I’m sitting in the bleachers waving that giant Maryland flag or at home sacrificing my fifth business major of the week, so Hulu will let me stream the game.  I inevitably find myself watching daddy Willard’s beacon of light as it strides up and down the court as our team does its best to earn his approval. 

It’s just so enticing, so perfectly round as if sculpted by Michaelangelo himself to perfectly fit in the palm of a hand traveling with 3 meters per second towards it. I’m not saying I would do violence or mischief to our beloved new coach; I would never. I am saying that if I were at that Purdue court storming, it wouldn’t have been the players I would’ve been aiming for. 

Again, to avoid legal culpability, I am not saying that I would, however, with advanced planning, motive, and desire. Using either my bare, meaty hands or a ranged sticky silicone substitute, implant by fingertips onto Coach Willard’s alluring, perfect, spherical head. …But I am saying he has a lovely scalp and should watch his back come the second round of March Madness.

Go Terps!!!

Image Credits: Clare Dombrosky