The Diamondback is UMD’s student-run independent newspaper. Say what you want about it, that’s it’s pressing journalism, the writing is good, bad, helped you uncover the murderer of your unavenged father, whatever. But there’s one thing that I think is undeniable, that no one ever seems to talk about: the headlines aren’t even that funny.

The Diamondback has been going since 1910 and no member of their staff has been able to craft a single headline that has made me laugh. I actually read every single one of them for research purposes. Here’s a real Diamondbackheadline: “At UMD golf course, researchers and environmentalists find a place alongside golfers.” Call me stupid or something, but I don’t get the joke.

Here’s another one: “Foul trouble doomed Maryland women’s basketball against Nebraska.” This one was so close to being funny. I don’t know anything about sports, so my first reaction was that the basketball team got itself into some kind of awful conundrum involving an evil spirit or something, giving them bad luck going into games. And it was so bad that it put them in danger of playing poorly against Nebraska! Imagine my disappointment when I found out that “foul” is just a basketball term.

“UMD Meaningful Connections recital brings performers, audience closer to the music.” Okay, I can fix this one up, come on guys. “UMD Meaningful Connections recital brings audience closer to the music by moving the chairs towards the stage.”

Is it real? Probably not. Is it funnier? For sure. And this is an opinion piece, so if I say it’s funnier, it’s funnier. Whatever I say here is true (that’s how opinion pieces work). 

Yeah, take that, “Freelance Reporter,” if that even is your real name.

Here are some of my rejected Hareheadlines that are still funnier that anything that somehow got approved by the Diamondback’s braindead staff:

• “Incredible! The Jim Henson statue just came to life to reveal that he didn’t even like going here that much,” 
• “How UMD celebrates diversity by being a predominately white institution,” and
• “I ate at Van Munching Hall and now I’m Van Shitting”

Clearly, the Diamondback could learn a few lessons in crafting a good headline. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get to my JOUR459P class, Special Topics in Journalism; Censorship and Disinformation in the 21st Century: The New Global War for Political Power.

Image Credits: Clare Dombrosky