Following the University of Maryland Army ROTC’s announcement of helicopter landings and takeoffs at Chapel Fields, The Hare’s intrepid reporters have discovered that the helicopters are actually intended for a live-fire demonstration in coordination with UMD’s construction administration. 

Piloted by UMD engineering students, the helicopters will employ a variety of weaponry such as 30mm cannons, Hydra rockets, and Hellfire missiles to destroy the Reckord Armory, Physics Department, Atlantic Building, and Leonardtown: determined by a select committee as the objectively worst buildings on campus. After leveling them, campus administration will begin construction on their replacements in record time: 75 years. 

Interviewed by The Hare, Alex Burgess, a senior aerospace engineering major and onetime helicopter pilot, had this to say: “By blowing up the shittiest buildings on campus, we’ll not only do a favor for UMD, but also demonstrate the sheer bloodthirstiness of us engineering students. As aspiring members of the military-industrial complex, it’s important to get a running start… unlike the civilians [sic] who I’m going to turn into a fine pink mist.”

Burgess then looked at the camera and menacingly laughed for over two minutes. Reactions to the rapid demolitions were generally positive. However, UMD ResLife put in a last-minute request to spare the Hagerstown and Ellicott dorms. When asked for comment, ResLife replied, “We can’t provide the authentic Maryland experience without at least one AC-less building that makes residents want to move to Siberia.”

Image Credits: Clare Dombrosky