In alarming news, today a demonic summoning ritual conducted by the UMD Satanist Club has raised almost all of the school’s Veo scooters and bikes as undead monsters. Already, whole packs of the undead scooters have swept across huge swathes of campus, systematically destroying all humans, squirrels, and construction vehicles in sight. 

While several defenses have been established at the Armory and Iribe, surprise attacks from Veos formerly abandoned near various trash cans have inflicted heavy losses on the remaining student population. The Paint Branch stream has also been overrun. In fact, experts have pinpointed the trail bridges as the source of the invasion. 

“The huge number of Veo scooters thrown into the raging waters of Paint Branch, combined with the sheer contempt required to physically throw them over the edge and trace whiskey and microplastics, made for an incredibly dangerous combination,” explained demonic expert Joe Kleinheinz. “Together, that has made the Veos’ spirits incredibly angry and no doubt fueled their homicidal tendencies once brought back into the physical realm.”

Kleinheinz was unavailable for further comment, as a rogue Veo scooter suddenly attacked him and the Hare reporter interviewing him. By throwing Kleinheinz into the scooter’s way, our intrepid reporter was barely able to escape with his life.

In the meantime, Ghostbusters and the Imperial Inquisition have both been called in, but it remains to be seen whether this mortal threat can be contained in time. If not, nuclear missile strikes may be authorized. Atomic hellfire is the only purification for our shared sin of treating Veo scooters without the respect that eco-friendly, inexpensive transportation deserves. 

Image Credits: Jesse Martin