In yet another low point for Penn State, their mascot, the Nittany Lion, has been officially arrested by Pennsylvania State Police under the assumption that he was in possession of drugs. 

The big cat (at least we think it’s a cat) was stopped and apprehended by police after using the Penn State football field as a litter box. 

“He’s gone completely feral,” says Courtney C. Ougar, police chief at Penn State, “I knew he wasn’t acting right in the head after we caught him chasing down students like a lion in the African savannah”.

At the trial, the arrest proved to be necessary justice, as the scraggly looking cat-thing pleaded guilty almost immediately after ten pounds of cocaine fell out of his back pocket. Nittany admitted to profusely doing cocaine, heroin, crystal meth, PCP, LSD, magic mushrooms, opioids, ecstasy, and ketamine. 

“I literally have no idea how I’m even supposed to defend him,” said Tony DeTigar, Nittany’s lawyer, “I mean, just look at him! Even the tigers at Joe Exotic’s tiger park look less coked-up than him.”

Students and faculty alike have been aware of the mascot’s scruffy appearance for years now, but it wasn’t until University of Maryland students began to chant “Fuck Penn State!” at a fateful football game that Nittany took a turn for the worse. Mascotologists at Penn State have determined that a combination of ridicule from enemy fans and the fact that he literally doesn’t look like a mountain lion at all contributed to his turn to drugs. 

Nittany was sentenced to 10 years of drug rehabilitation and an additional 20 years of “mascot probation”, where he would be replaced by a rental house cat mascot, Sir Kittypaws, for the time being. As a response to this sudden change, the Penn State Nittany Lions sports teams will temporarily be known as the Penn State Precious Little Bitty Kitties.

Image Credits: Bennett Sellers