Love is in the air at UMD— for some people, I mean. For the rest of us, February 14th will be another day of silently cursing happy couples, who are showing more PDA than usual. Luckily for all our lovely readers, The Hare has put together a list of fun things you can do to make Valentine’s Day a little more… interesting!

1. Tinder
   If you’re looking for some action, then look no further. You may not get an emotional connection, but you do get to spend a wild (and maybe short) night with Brian, 21, who is holding a fish in his main photo and just asked if you wanted to [REDACTED] in his truck with [REDACTED], because he wants to [REDACTED] on [REDACTED] and then [REDACTED] with your [REDACTED] [REDACTED AGAIN].
2. Go to TerpZone
   Not to bowl, of course. Instead, scout out a happy couple and start ruthlessly roasting them for being at TerpZone on Valentine’s Day. It’s honestly charity work, because who brings their date to TerpZone on Valentine’s Day? The lovers get their standards raised, and you get a little boost of serotonin!
3. Reframe your mindset
   Yes, being alone on Valentine’s Day sucks, but something good could come out of it after all. They say that if a virgin graduates from UMD, Testudo will fly. You could be the one!
4. Lie
   Step 1: Make yourself start fake crying. Use tear drops, an onion, Canvas notifications, or whatever else works.
   Step 2: Find a happy couple— ideally in a highly populated area.
   Step 3: Go up to said happy couple with tears streaming down your face, turn to one of them, and yell “YOU SAID I WAS THE ONLY ONE! WE ARE OVER.” as loudly as you can.
   Step 4: Run away crying, hide somewhere, and watch the chaos begin.
5. Join The Hare!
   Interested in being surrounded by a bunch of virgins in the same situation as you? If the answer is yes, you would be the perfect fit for our staff! Consider becoming a writer for UMD’s best bitchless satire newspaper: The Hare!

Being single doesn’t mean that you can’t have a great Valentine’s Day. Remember that you are amazing with or without a partner. Love yourself! Take yourself on dates! Spark drama! Cry into a tub of ice cream! Shoot arrows back at cupid! Be a harbinger of chaos and destruction! Whatever you do, make Valentine’s Day YOUR day. And if you are in a healthy relationship, then there’s this totally cool spot called TerpZone in STAMP that you should check out. Your partner will love it!

Image Credits: Joseph Kleinman