Welcome back all football fans and degenerate gamblers! The Hare is back, and just in time for Super Bowl LVII! If you thought we left you hanging, scrambling to find gambling advice on the internet to replace the clearly superior Locks of Hare, fear no more! Our top-secret NFL insiders got us the script to the game, so we basically can’t lose! So grab your buddies, beers, and bookies because the Super Bowl is here and it’s time to get those student loans paid for!

-Bennett Sellers, Hare Writer and Gambling Addict

2/12/2023, 6:30 PM,

Kansas City Chiefs vs.

Philadelphia Eagles ML

Many experts predict a close game, as both of these teams are incredibly talented. Philadelphia has the amazing hands of AJ Brown, a stout offensive line including the best beard in the NFL Kelce, one of the best secondaries in the league with Darius Slay and James Bradberry, and the dominant Haason Reddick at edge rusher. The Chiefs bring to the table the best quarterback and Kermit the Frog look-alike in the NFL: Patrick Mahomes. The team also has the versatile Travis Kelce, talented rookie Isiah Pacheco, and a host of refs determined to throw penalty flags against their opponents. Ever since Old Man Brady retired, the refs needed someone else to work for. According to our team of NFL insiders, this game will not be close at all. The Eagles’ front office plan to use Kansas City head coach Andy Reid’s large appetite against him, and have reportedly offered him “several cheesesteaks” if he throws the game. We suspect Reid will take this deal, and the Kansas City playcalling will likely resemble that of a third grader playing Madden. This will create a decisive victory for Philly and allow their reckless fans to destroy their own city for weeks to come, at the dismay of the Philadelphia Police, who will attempt to grease every sign pole and streetlight in the city.

Streakers On Field Over 0.5

Come on. This is an easy one. No one knows unwanted public nudity like University of Maryland students, and we all know there’s bound to be an incident in State Farm Stadium. We at the Hare believe not only will a streaker run across the field, but he will be none other than Kansas City quarterback Patrick Mahomes’ zesty brother, Jackson. With recent tensions between the United States and China rising faster than helium in a spy balloon, Tiktok may soon be shut down outside of China. Mahomes, desperate for attention, will have no choice but to expose himself to millions of prospective fans. I will be watching the screen very intently Sunday night, as I really want to see this. I mean… like… see the bet hit. Obviously. No other reason.

Total Sacks Over 5.5

This is also a very obvious pick. Anyone who watched the NFC Championship game should have gained a new phobia: getting tackled by Eagles’ edge rusher Haason Reddick. Buddy is a human hit stick, and he has abused opposing quarterbacks all season. A stellar free-agent pickup last offseason by the Eagles, Reddick is coming into this game to win a championship, and in doing so will turn Kansas City into Kansas CTE. Don’t worry, Chiefs fans, the announcers will still find a way to meatride Mahomes and will love to talk about how gracefully he gets sacked. When the Eagles eventually put Mahomes in the ER, you might want to take the over on Chad Henne’s passing yards as well.

The Hare Official Super Bowl Drinking Game

Here at the Hare we want to make sure that you are betting responsibly. If you happen to lose all your money on the Super Bowl, you must be prepared. And by “prepared”, I mean “have a bottle of liquor nearby.” So without further ado, welcome to your new plan B, the Hare’s official Super Bowl Drinking Game!!! The rules are as follows:

Take a drink when the announcers mention anything about:

-The Kelce Brothers

-Damar Hamlin

-How amazing Mahomes is after he makes a play that half the QBs in the league could make

-Tom Brady’s retirement

Take a shot when:

-A white girl in the room mentions how hot Joe Burrow is, then asks why he’s not on the field

-The referees call something blatantly wrong in the Chiefs’ favor

-Jackson Mahomes posts a Tiktok

Hopefully, by the end of the game, you will have no recollection of losing any money sports betting, so that means it never happened! You’re welcome. Thanks for riding with us at the Hare, and now I’m off researching Russian table-tennis to bet on until the new NFL season starts.

Image Credits: Bennett Sellers