ATTENTION: Order Your Textbooks for Class! Our entirely inconspicuous, 100% legitimate personal data collection system indicates you haven’t shellacked out enough at our humble shop on Stamp, on top of the thousands of dollars for room and board. Remember when tuition used to cost $905 per semester in 1982? Neither do we.

We’re your best source of textbooks, aside from Amazon, Barnes and Noble, that ratty bookstore next to Chipotle, or literally any Google search with the textbook name and “pdf’. Because how else are you going to pay for your professors’ first-class tickets to Abu Dhabi and Bora Bora? The football coach’s $2.5 million salary doesn’t fund itself either, after all. 

Or, you can pick up our wildly overpriced UMD merch, which you could also get for half price at Costco, or just skip the merch entirely, because by the time you graduate, you’ll want to throw those apparel into Mount Doom and forget about this accursed place forever.

Hopefully you realize by now that even though we pretend to personalize these emails with your name, frankly, my dear, we don’t give a damn about you. But we love money, and know you have some money; ergo, your self-aware collection of carbon and oxygen atoms has some tangible value to us. 

Buy them. The voices are growing stronger. Buy them. The voices are growing stronger and will not relent. Buy them. We hear them coming and nothing can stop them.  

Buy them now and hail t̶͚͇̙͎̮̞̝̗̺̝͉͎̳̪̅͊̅̏h̶̡̫̠͓̟͓̺̫̭̦̠̠͕͒͗̃̿̀̃͌͂͂͒͗̄̕͜͠e̴̬͇̯̠͚̣̮͈̲͐̍̅͑̎̾́̅̌̈͒̈̚͠͝ ̴̛̠̭̙̱̟̲̱̼̰̦̫̯̬̓̆̽́̈̏̔̎̈́͋́̊̏͜ͅg̸̨͕̫͚̠͓̪͙͔̳̦͋̽̐̉̔̇͠͝r̷̨̧̙̱̦̤͓̟͓̟͉̹̝̝̻͊̂́́ě̵̟͔̣̳͜â̴̧̪͕͒̍̃̐̆̈́t̴̙́͋̔̆̾͆ ̶̛̟̙͍̻͙̤̖̞̟̳̌̉̒̅͊͐͂͆͝͠ͅt̷̫͙̣̺̳̗̹̗̝͎̱̘͋̌̏͆̒̍́̎͋͂̕e̴̢̨̛͔̜͖͙͔͙̣͇͕̳̥̘̘͋͊́̈́̈́͊̉͆͂̎̆̈́̒̚ș̸͕͇̠̜̙͛̍͘t̶̺͂̒̽̇̑͑͑̿̓̈́̃͘̚͠ư̶̧̢̝͇̹͖͔͎̥̬̒͛̑̅̀͌̑͛͒͆̿̎̀͊d̷̢̛͕̱̣̝͚̪̮̮̝̦͓̱̒̏̄̾̈́͛̀͑̈͂́͘ö̶͉̯͓̹͊͊̒̀̿̒̂̑́͆͂͜.

Image Credits: Joseph Kleinman