We’re back! The Hare has made its triumphant return after our website died. Our staff has been tirelessly working without financial compensation to create a new and improved website. The authoritarians in the University of Maryland administration have been plotting against us. Well, President Penis, I’m not afraid of you!

University President Penis and his goons would like you to believe that they’re for the people, but we know the truth. The Hare has received reports that President Penis has been working with Russian President Vladimir Putin to destroy journalism! Our source remains anonymous, but it just makes sense when you think about it.

Crybabies will demand to see evidence. Evidence isn’t jack shit! We have cause and effect: President Penis was scared of the Hare’s conquest for the truth and called his buddy in Moscow to hack our servers. Putin is afraid of the Hare because we are a force to be reckoned with. Other so called “journalists” have been locked away in Russia. However, there are approximately ZERO Hare writers in Russian prisons. It cannot be any clearer than that. 

The Diamondback isn’t reporting on this because they are just another cog in the fake news machine. The Hare is unbiased and nonpartisan. We don’t concern ourselves with political correctness, human decency, or respecting people who just want to be accepted for who they are! Our writers don’t even know what a noun is, let alone a pronoun!

The point is: the Hare is back. Our website is running and we will not be vanquished. Penis and his gang of Russian saboteurs are weak and afraid. The Hare does not feel fear. We will continue to fight for you, the good(ish) people of College Park!

Image Credits: Clare Dombrosky