[Editor’s Note: This article was never uploaded to our old website, as it broke shortly after this article was written. We at the Hare do not believe in coincidences. RHA and Reslife are conspiring against us, but we are not afraid. The Hare will not be stopped on its crusade for the truth!]

COLLEGE PARK, MD – The student body at the University of Maryland is in uproar following a controversial vote from the Residence Hall Association (RHA). The student organization recently voted 14-0 to suspend all democratic processes and vowed to hunt down any Jedi on campus.

The motion passed included a provision known as Order 66, a measure that declared all Jedi the enemy of the RHA and demanded their immediate execution. Furthermore, the motion declared that all future votes were to be cancelled and resident feedback ignored. All decision making will be handled by junior business major Bute Lecker, former president, now emperor of the RHA.

“The attempt on my life has left me scarred and deformed,” yelled Lecker in a rousing speech to a nearly empty room, “but I assure you my resolve has never been stronger.”

Many students are concerned about the measure, saying that it has only worsened housing conditions on campus. Indeed, homicide rates have increased tenfold and cockroaches have been breeding at alarming rates.

“My roommate called 4Work yesterday about the roaches,” said freshman history major Jasmine Scrungle, “they didn’t say a word, they just came to our room and shot her.”

Unlike the satire paper known as the Diamondback, the UMD Hare is interested in reporting the facts. We contacted Emperor Lecker to hear the rationale behind his decision.

“The Residence Hall Association is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural,” said Lecker, dodging the question, “I wanted power… unlimited power!”

After calming down from his amphetamine binge, Lecker explained that despite his declaration of authority, the RHA has no real decision making power over the budget. He went onto say that ResLife has the final say on fees, but added that he could’ve stood up to them but it was too scary talking to grown ups.

During his time as Emperor, Lecker has mandated a handful of new policies, from mandatory puppy-kicking to forced conscription. Rumors from those familiar with the RHA say that Lecker is constructing some sort of weapon that will rival all others once it is completed. Construction will commence sometime in 2024 and will never finish because it’s UMD we’re talking about here.

Image Credits: Joseph Kleinman