Locks of Hare finally returns after its two-week hiatus, due partially to me being too swamped with midterms to dedicate hours crafting the perfect picks for you all, and partially to my publisher for not posting one of my articles. But never fear, the money-making machine is back and ready to double your money faster than the bouncers kick you out of C-Stone for sleeping on the table. With the Ravens on bye this week, there’s no looming fear of disappointment hanging over me, so I am free to watch football and gamble without care. So… are you ready for some football!!! -Bennett Sellers, Hare Writer and Gambling Addict

11/11/2022, 8:15PM, ATL Falcons @ CAR Panthers, ATL -2.5:
NFL fans are welcomed back into a weekend of football with the second meeting of the Atlanta Falcons and the Carolina Panthers. The NFL would like to introduce a new bowl game, the Mid Bowl! No, the Mid Bowl is not what happens when your dealer cuts it with oregano. It’s the game in prime time where the two most mid teams in the NFL duke it out to finally settle the debate: who is less mid? Unlike the actual Super Bowl, the Mid Bowl on Thursday will be the most disappointing night of football you’ve ever seen. The advertisements are sure to be extra boring, and the new Coca-Cola halftime show features a terrible fourth-grade string orchestra and your drunk female friend who believes she can sing! The Mid Bowl features two of the league’s most boring and undeserving-of-primetime teams, curated especially for the NFL’ s most loyal fans. You thought Kirk Cousins was bad on prime time, well, Marcus Mariota and Baker Mayfield are bad all the time, so expect similar results. While struggling not to lose hope and cancel your Amazon Prime membership due to terrible play after terrible play, you might as well throw some money on the line. We are taking the Falcons on this one, as they have been surprisingly 6-3 against the spread. So grab your buddies, beer, and wings this Thursday and tune in to the Mid Bowl! (Viewer discretion is advised)

11/13/2022, 1:00PM, MIN Vikings @ BUF Bills, MIN ML: The offenses of the Bills and the Vikings actually are quite similar. Both have a star receiver, a decent receiver that constantly gets overshadowed by the star, and a white tight end with nice hair. What differentiates these two teams’ high-powered offenses is their quarterbacks. Josh Allen is at the top of the rankings, has a cannon for an arm, is cherished by every NFL fan, and is just a core part of the league. But no one, and I mean NO ONE, can live up to the legendary Kirk Cousins. Cousins, recently gaining the nicknames “Lil Kirk”, “Kirko”, “Perc Cousins”, “Daddy”, etc. due to the viral clip of him returning from an away game win, covered in gold chains. Man was having the time of his life up there, iced out, with the swagger of a pitbull that ate three of the neighbor’s kids and is staring down a fourth. After becoming the coolest white dude since Larry Bird, Kirk plans to stomp on the embodiment of a saltine cracker that is Josh Allen. Allen, traumatized by his loss to the New York Sauce Gardners, may also be a bit hesitant to throw, after being diagnosed with PTSD earlier this week. Sauce Gardner made star wideouts drop more passes than Babytron namedrops NBA players in Bin Reaper 3, and last Sunday made an impact on Allen’s psyche.

11/13/2022, 9:30AM, SEA Seahawks vs TB Buccaneers, SEA ML: “Hallo” from Germany! The NFL expands to have a game in the Deutschland, as who else could more appreciate football than a country who is drunk off beer 24/7. [Editor’s Note: Das ist eine Lüge. Sie trinken auch Jägermeister.] The Bucs look to start a revenge tour this week, as their playoff odds seem to sink with each loss. But we just don’t see that happening. Pete Carroll and the Seahawks still haven’t “wrote back yet”, as they continue to surprise the league and be a half-decent team without Danger-Russ Wilson. Geno Smith leads the league in completion percentage and the once-backup now excels in the league. Tom Brady, fresh out of an unhappy marriage, is just trying to go to Germany to get away from his ex-wife. A Hare insider managed to ask Brady a few questions Wednesday night, and he did not disappoint. When asked about what he looked forward to in the Germany game, Brady responded “I’m just trying to get a German babe to grab on my Wienerschnitzel.” After we clarified that we were asking about the game, and that his comment was wildly inappropriate, he responded “As long as my team isn’t terrible like they always are, we’ll be alright.” He then made himself a frozen margarita, and commented on the fact that he hasn’t been to a single practice in two weeks.

Image Credits: Joseph Kleinman