A shocking revelation from a prominent UMD historian has linked the Diamondback to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, starting World War 1. History professor Steven Boobers claims that the Diamondback, then called the Triangle, was solely responsible for one of the world’s worst tragedies.

Boobers’ groundbreaking research is uncovering the shocking truth about our “beloved” campus “newspaper”. His thesis suggests that alleged assassin Gavrilo Princip was actually framed to cover up the Diamondback’s crimes.

“Turns out, the Black Hand actually had nothing to do with it,” said Boobers, “most people don’t know this, but prior to World War 1, the Balkans were totally peaceful, no ethnic conflict or anything. The Diamondback wanted to make sure that changed.”

And so they did, as the death of the Austro-Hungarian archduke sparked one of the deadliest conflicts in human history, and sowed civil strife in the Balkans. The Diamondback is pure evil, fueled only by hatred, and they were determined to make humanity suffer on that fateful summer day in Sarajevo.

Boobers’ claims are supported by eyewitness testimony, with many claiming to have seen people in turtle costumes throw grenades and shoot at Archduke Ferdinand. Rather, that’s what we think they said because it’s all in foreign languages we don’t understand. We reached out to the Diamondback for comment, to no avail (yes, we actually did). We are sure they are hiding something.

It is clear that the Diamondback does not have your best interests in mind. For more than a century, they have been masquerading as a student newspaper, when in reality they are blood thirsty monsters. As such, Boobers proposes that the Diamondback is also to blame for the Lusitania, Mukden Incident, and Gulf of Tonkin Incident, amongst a long list of others.

The next time you read the Diamondback, think to yourself, “do I support violence and bloodshed?” If you know anyone claiming to be a member of the Diamondback, be aware that it is a farce. Nothing but hatred lies behind those eyes.

Image Credits: Joseph Kleinman