The University of Maryland farm has recently suffered a staggering loss in cows due to bovine flu. The last remaining cow went home to stay with her husband, your father (Burn!). Seeing the lack of milk production, Maryland Dairy Ice-Creamologists had to make sufficient “alterations” to the original recipe. So they turned to the other animals on the farm: Horses.

Unable to milk the horses with the existing machinery due to biological factors, agriculture students are now being enlisted to visit the farm daily and milk the horses.

“It’s a very difficult process”, says Jacob Smithfield, an agriculture major at the University of Maryland. “The horses are so much bigger, so it really takes a lot out of you to milk them.” The horses seem to enjoy the milking process, however, and horse morale is at an all time high.

“The horses seem happier than ever!” says Kate Saddleback, a graduate student pursuing her Master’s degree in Horse Psychology, “After being milked, the horses are believed to have a sort of enhanced brain power and concentration, and have scored 10% higher on IQ tests.” This effect, dubbed “Post-Milk Clarity” by Saddleback, will be researched further by her and her peers.

While workers at Maryland Dairy have reported that the milk is “rather viscous” and “hard to make into ice cream”, the masterminds behind the most random ice cream flavors known to man have done the impossible, and made horse ice cream a reality. I requested to try the new recipe before release, and to my delight, I was able to get one of the first scoops of the equine treat.

At first glance, the ice cream was almost identical to previous products from Maryland Dairy. Upon tasting it, however, the difference was apparent. Very apparent. It is an understatement to say that this was the worst ice cream I’ve ever had. It was extremely salty, which is very unexpected in an ice cream. It had a horrible texture, and I could barely finish the first spoonful before spitting it out in a nearby trash can. I know spitters are quitters, but that was gross. Just like the regular recipe cannot be sold outside of the university, this should not be sold outside of the university.

Some students claimed that “you just need to try it, you’ll warm up to it.” However, after interviewing other students sampling the ice cream, we got many negative responses. One student in particular, who will not be named for security reasons, was skeptical of the “milk” used. “Doesn’t our school farm only have male horses?” Both Maryland Dairy and the agricultural school have declined to comment.

Image Credits: Helen Hutchinson