BREAKING: It happened again. The Hare is first to report the latest indecent exposure incident. It seemed all too quiet for too long, but Maryland is back on top. We normally write fake stories but this one is genuine for the most part.

As if living in Ellicott Hall couldn’t get any fucking worse, a man was seen naked in a tree only a few feet away. At literally any other college campus this would be a major news story. At UMD, we’ve grown to expect this.

We were informed of the incident by a student in a class TA’d by our very own Clare Dombrosky. The student’s name was not provided so I will be referring to him as Assfuck McScrotum.

“I don’t know exactly what happened,” said McScrotum, “but I heard someone scream ‘GET OUT OF THE TREE’ and ‘PUT CLOTHES ON’ and a few minutes later the police were there.”

UMPD has become a shining beacon for absolutely nothing. I’m sure they left just as soon as they came! Knowing UMPD they’ll send out in email in a few hours saying that the suspect got away. We know the truth though, and it’s that UMPD was too lazy to arrest someone who was probably immobilized by a branch up the ass.

For fucks sake, I can’t even pretend to be reporting news anymore. Like this is just fucking ridiculous right? Does this happen on other campuses or are we just collectively fucked in the head? If this is the same person doing this over and over again, I hope you’re reading. If this was you, please reach out to us because at this point I’m just impressed.

Anyways… this latest incident put an end to an exhausting drought of indecent exposure. The Holden Cox School of Indecency is once again celebrating the occasion by popping the champagne and cherry.

Note to Clare: you better give Assfuck McScrotum bonus points. Possibly financial compensation too.

Image Credits: Clare Dombrosky (of course)