While most of the betting world curled up into a ball and cried after the results of Sunday’s games, the Hare prevails, picking W after W after W. I’ll try my hardest to run that back this week, and I can totally promise you this winning streak will most definitely continue. Big thanks to our analytics department, who spent hours pouring over statistics and game data to cook up the hottest locks known to man. And our trusty Magic 8 Ball, which never fails us, except when it does. Happy gambling! -Bennett Sellers, Hare Writer and Gambling Addict

10/22/22, 3:30PM, BYU Cougars @ Liberty Flames, BYU -6.5
A new crusade comes to Lynchburg, as the two most religious institutions in America go to war on the turf. During the adult version of a Sunday school retreat, we might see heavy rain. God may cry tears of joy watching his two most dedicated followers fight for his love and admiration. BYU is historically good in the rain, many of their players have had plenty of experience soaking. Liberty is hoping for clear skies, or else they’d have to cancel their pre-game rally. They’d have trouble lighting the tiki torches, and white fabric can get see-through when wet. Previously home to the mother-loving Zach Wilson, those talented Cougars are feisty on and off the field. (Ohhhh… BYU Cougars… That explains a lot Zach.) But new quarterback Jaren Hall will lead them to victory. If you are planning on attending the “Bible Bowl”, make sure to keep your cool, as Liberty students will shame you for saying a single curse word. Check out the legendary Liberty and BYU tailgates, where they rock out to worship music, share their favorite Bible quotes, and shotgun root beers with the boys.

10/22/22,3:30PM, Northwestern Wildcats @ Maryland Terrapins, UMD -13.5 The Magic 8 Ball told me that Billy Edwards Jr. will destroy the Wildcats’ defense.

10/23/22, 1:00PM, CLE Browns @ BAL Ravens, PARLAY: BAL ML at Half, CLE ML Watching the 6-0 worthy team out of Baltimore falling to 3-3 this past Sunday has given me extreme emotional damage, and I have recently booked my first therapy appointment next Monday. But since this trend keeps recurring over and over again, we should see this as an opportunity to make some green in the process. Lamar Jackson has looked like an MVP candidate in the first half of his games, slicing up opposing defenses on the ground and in the air, ensuring the Ravens never need to catch up. It is reported, however, that during halftime, Lamar does anywhere from 20 to 25 whip-its in the locker room bathroom, which wreak havoc on his brain cells. In the last 30 minutes of the Ravens last few games, the several brain cells of the former MVP struggle to keep it together as Baltimore plays some of the worst offense ever recorded in the history of the NFL. As you profit off this bet, consider donating some to Tiktok sports personality and Baltimore’s favorite crybaby @WeHoopin, as he injured himself in his Ravens-loss-induced seizure last Sunday.

10/23/22, 4:25PM, KC Chiefs @ SF 49ers, SF +3 Rumors have it that Kyle Shanahan, the mastermind behind San Francisco, has been exploring an alternate strategy to win against a brutal Kansas City offense. Quarterback Jimmy Garroppolo plans to play in Sunday’s game while not in uniform. We were curious about this wildly unsafe decision from the Niners’ staff, and to our luck, got a chance to speak with Shanahan about his unorthodox plan. “We know Garroppolo is our biggest asset, and we plan to use him to our advantage. First, we march out onto the field, ditching Jimmy’s pads and jersey for a suit and tie.” Shanahan kept talking, but my mind drifted off into space, completely smitten by the mental image of the NFL’s most handsome player. After a few minutes passed, I regained consciousness. Shanahan finished up the description of his plan, explaining to me that “while all of the opposing players are distracted and captivated by the most beautiful man alive, Jimmy will dump the ball off to Jeff Wilson Jr, who will run it in for 6. If that doesn’t work, we’ll just try to throw to Aiyuk more, but that would be outrageous.” Due to the aforementioned plot from the Niners’ front office, I’m all in on the Niners this week.

Locks of Hare Total Record: 7-3-1

Image Credits: Joseph Kleinman