Welcome back to the wonderful world of sports betting! I just finished constructing my shrine to our Lord and Savior (Justin “Automatuck” Tucker) and I finally found time to cook up this article. The Hare stumbles through week 5 and now has a winning record!!! (To no surprise at all, obviously, because I totally know what I’m doing.) Now that I’ve proven to you all that you should trust me with your hopes, dreams, and bar cover, let’s make some big bets and make Vegas pay up. We have some big games to look forward to, as well as some bags to catch. Remember kids, always keep gambling! -Bennett Sellers, Hare Writer and Gambling Addict (GAMBLING PROBLEM ? : 1-888-532-3500)

10/15/2022, 3:30 PM, **Alabama Crimson Tide @ Tennessee Volunteers, ** Tennessee + 7.5
Two of the greatest football teams this year prepare to duke it out in Knoxville, Alabama plans to bring back their Heisman winning quarterback and current Dr. Pepper spokesperson Bryce Young, While Tennessee flaunts their Heisman contender Hendon Hooker. This Young Hooker show will definitely get the audiences pumped up! Tennessee, however, should be able to hold their own against the college football genius and NFL bust that is Alabama’s Nick Saban, due to their explosive offense. Alabama has never had to deal with Hooker before, mainly because they just ask their sisters. Sadly, Tennessee will not be “checkering” the stadium again, as Saban requested they stick to one color, explaining that “no one in Alabama knows how to play checkers. It’s a highly intellectual game, we’re not rocket scientists.” Whatever the outcome, this game will surely go down in history. Same with this article, as it’s the first time that the words “Alabama” and “genius” were in the same sentence.

**10/16/2022, 1:00 PM, ** **MIN Vikings @ MIA Dolphins, ** MIN -3
The surprisingly-good Vikings take on a mutilated Dolphins team this Sunday, as one of the many games in the early slate. Miami is going to need to make some moves to defeat Minnesota and I don’t mean acquiring another quarterback. Tight End Mike Gesicki’s griddy performance at their week 2 clash against the Jets was horrendous, my grandma could griddy better than that. That is unacceptable when going up against Mr. Griddy himself, Justin Jefferson. I predict the internal rage that was pent up inside Jefferson when he watched that clip will be released this Sunday and we get a 180+ yard, 2 touchdown game from Jettas. Dolphins fans may have a glimmer of hope, due to one of our reporters watching Jefferson struggle with a back injury this week. We believe this occurred after two straight weeks of carrying my entire fantasy football team.

10/16/2022, 1:00 PM, **TB Buccaneers @ PIT Steelers, ** Under 43.5 Viewer discretion advised, this game may be even more depressing than that sorry excuse of a Thursday Night Football matchup between the Broncos and Colts last week. There’s a chance that there will be more penalty yards than actual yards gained this week. The refs decided to step it up and protect Tom Brady’s old ass on and off the field, spoon feeding him applesauce on the sidelines and giving him kisses on the forehead. Brady may be getting old, frail, and beginning to take an interest in birdwatching, but we can still count on the dinosaur to throw the ball better than the rookie out of Pitt, Kenny Pickett. This uglier version of Morgan Wallen should be banned from ever playing football again, after McDermott’s Bills opened a can of whoop-ass on him last Sunday and proceeded to shove the contents down his throat. The Pittsburgh defense will attempt to contain future divorcee Brady, while the Bucs defense will surely shut down Kenny PickSix and the Steelers.

10/16/2022, BYE WEEK, **DET Lions @ Home, ** BYE WEEK ML
I know Detroit is on bye this week, but I have a feeling that they’re still going to lose. As the old saying “can’t have shit in Detroit” rings true every Sunday, as the Lions take more losses from sub-par teams. In the last two weeks, this poverty franchise has managed to lose to a team with no defense, the Seattle Seahawks and then lose to a team with no offense, the New England Patriots. After watching the Lions’ season of “Hard Knocks”, it’s hard to watch this team fail but they do and they keep failing. While Derrick Henry passes the time by fistfighting a gorilla, Davante Adams finds more helpless cameramen to take his anger out on, and the Texans front office burns the last existing supply of jerseys of their former quarterback-turned-predator, Lions are still predicted to lose this week and go into week 7 with 5 losses to their name.

Locks of Hare Total Record: 4-3-1

Image Credits: Joseph Kleinman