Spooky season is in full swing–soon enough, we’ll be the lucky spectators to underdressed nurses and real-life Greek gods. And what better way to bring in October than with horoscope predictions? The Hare has you covered! Keep reading to see what pumpkin spice item you totally need in your life. Thank me later.

Aries (Mar 20 – April 19)

Pumpkin spice scented scratch and sniff nail polish. We know you do your nails with a boring, nail-polish-smelling polish. How about spicing up your life (a.k.a your fingernails and toenails)? Let’s not get into why someone may be scratching and sniffing your toenails…

Taurus (April 19 – May 20)

Nothing. Absolutely nada. Zero. Zilch. You have not, and will not ever embrace seasonal items. Don’t get mad at me. Take it up with the cosmos. Or don’t, neither of us cares.

Gemini (May 20 – June 21)

Pumpkin spice flavored condoms. Yes, flavored. All for you, and a special someone. I know you find this uncannily awesome. Ok…fine… you don’t have to admit it.

Cancer (June 21 – Jul 22)

Pumpkin spice flavored vodka. You know that flavored Svedka? Typically found in a white girl’s dorm closet. Well, imagine it pumpkin spice flavored. Pink-lemonade was gross anyway. Regardless, it’s vodka, so who gives a crap what it tastes like…right? Pass the bottle, and drink up!

Leo (Jul 22 – Aug 22)

Pumpkin spice flavored toothpaste. Please, for the love of God, how many times do we need to tell you to brush your teeth? Twice a day for two minutes. Pumpkin spice scented breath is better than “I just woke up” breath. Thanks in advance.

Virgo (Aug 22 – Sep 22)

Pumpkin spice scented tampons. And hear me out…

Libra (Sep 22 – Oct 23)

Pumpkin spice flavored Puff Bar. You’re getting sick of strawberry-banana smoothie, right? Just wait until your local smoke shop gets a load of this. They’ll be sold out in days by girls who call themselves “coastal granddaughters,” and guys who call each other “bro.” You may even find your one true love over a pumpkin spice puff bar. Romantic. The Hare knows how to matchmake, too.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22)

Pumpkin spice flavored White Claw. The wave now resembles a jack-o-lantern with a pink, cowboy hat. A space cowboy is a very respectable Halloween costume.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Pumpkin spice-scented deodorant. Stop spraying perfume and cologne without deodorant. I don’t know if your mom forgot to share the news, but you still need to wear deodorant. Preferably an antiperspirant. We’re sick of seeing your sweat stains.

Capricorn (Dec 21 – Jan 19)

Pumpkin spice flavored Cup-O-Noodles. Just fill with eight ounces of boiling water and let sit for two minutes. Bon Appetite. Or, should we say in the spirit of spooky season, bone apple teeth?

Aquarius (Jan 19 – Feb 18)

Pumpkin spice-flavored liquid cough medicine. Yes, we know that it’s really hard for you to swallow pills. Grow up. In the meantime, though, enjoy a tasty snack.

Pisces (Feb 18 – March 20)

Pumpkin spice scented Poo-Pourri. Enough said.