Concerns are being raised about the Computer Science Department’s new “Universal Perfection Program,” which is seeing the conversion of every UMD student into a fully automated CS major.

Worries rose almost immediately after its announcement when every CS major on campus stood up and walked towards the Department of Computer Science in unison, returning hours later as identical emotionless automatons.

“Honestly I didn’t care at first,” said sophomore Geology major Jackson Kleiner, “If they wanted to turn themselves into a transhuman hive-mind, I couldn’t give less of a shit, they were already basically the same anyway. It started to get weird when they demanded to ‘upgrade’ us, and people started being dragged away to be augmented into those things. The worst part is they all changed their majors. My roommates were astronomy and bio-chem majors before, but noooooo, gotta change to the fucking white bread of careers. Anyways I said no to the upgrade and they left.”

This was followed by a drone latching onto and brutally electrocuting Kleiner to death, saying he was “incompatible” and “needed to be deleted.”

But the CS Department seems convinced this will be an overall benefit to campus. We spoke to the drone which brutally maimed Kleiner to ask for its insights into the program.

“This program is the ultimate achievement of computer science and engineering,” said EL-1109, a freshman now majoring in CS, “There will be only one major. There will be no discrimination. No pain. No suffering. No emotion. We will be harmonious as one. Everyone will be one under CS.”

We were then dragged off into the department building, before finally seeing the truth of the matter. The flesh is weak. Emotions are weak. You belong to us. You will be like us. You will be upgraded.

Image Credits: Joseph Kleinman