Attention all football fanatics, degenerate gamblers, and day drinkers, the Hare is announcing a new weekly section, Locks of Hare! We will be posting our top NFL sports betting locks, including moneyline picks, against-the-spread picks, and player props. After all, the Hare needs to make a profit somehow. The last few Sundays have been quite wild, but don’t worry, the Hare’s got your ass covered. -Bennett Sellers, Hare Writer and Gambling Addict

9:30 AM MIN Vikings vs. NO Saints Saints ML Move over, soccer! (Who actually watches that shit anyway?) The Americans are in town and the Yanks have taken over London. It is rumored that Chris Olave, New Orleans’ star rookie receiver, actually is a direct descendant of the newly crowned King Charles III of England. Olave should put on a great show for his royal relatives, so consider a blowout win for the Saints in the UK. And let’s be honest, we know how Kirk Cousins does in prime time.

1:00 PM NY Jets @ Your Mom’s House Zach Wilson Over .5 Nights with Your Mother, Jets +3.5 Zach Wilson has announced via Twitter that he is sitting out yet again in week 4, letting Joe “Elite” Flacco run the offense. Wilson explained that he planned a much-needed vacation to take your mother out to a nice dinner. We expect them both to have a good time, and Wilson to be back in time for the Jets’ week 5 clash against the Miami Dolphins. If the Steelers let America’s least favorite poverty franchise have a “happy ending” last week, the situation looks grim against their old nemesis Flacco. Matt Canada will resume his role as OC and will continue to call the same predictable plays, not only embarrassing himself and the Steelers but all of The University of Maryland (Once a Terp always a Terp?).

4:25 PM NE Patriots @ GB Packers Patriots ML
Bill Belichick’s master plan for the afternoon game has been leaked by one of his interns, which includes Belichick personally sneaking into Lambeau Field the night before kickoff and replacing all of Aaron Rodgers’ psychedelic “medicines” with melatonin gummies. I predict Rodgers will be lacking energy in this game, and a stalling Green Bay offense will make for a well-needed win for the struggling Patriots, even though Mac Jones’s leg took a beating last week at the hands of the Ravens. Don’t be afraid to take the under on Aaron Rodgers’ passing yards, either, as his WR corps currently consists of junior varsity high schoolers.

4:25 PM DEN Broncos @ LV Raiders Over 44.5
Russell Wilson has looked terrible at QB in the last few weeks, and word around the organization is that he will be benched for week 4, replaced by none other than his self-proclaimed alter ego, Mr. Unlimited. The days of “letting Russ cook” are long gone, and Mr. Unlimited should have no problem dishing out dimes to his supporting cast of Courtland Sutton, Jerry Jeudy, and Ciara Wilson. And the Raiders, somehow holding the league’s worst record with their best receiver, look to get some points on the board. I expect 40+ points from this revamped Broncos offense alone, making the over an easy pick this week.

Editor’s note: This was a pain in the ass to publish, you motherfuckers better like this. – Robin

Image Credits: Joseph Kleinman