The Department of Psychology at the University of Maryland is being investigated after a chemical weapon attack left several students hospitalized. This comes after a controversial move to grant tenure to Dr. Jonathan Crane, a divisive figure in his field.

Earlier this week, students reported seeing green gas flowing out of the usually benign steam pipes around campus. In a matter of minutes, students began experiencing extreme paranoia and hallucinations. Oddly enough, all bystanders — affected or not — reported seeing a giant bat creature stalking them. Afflicted students were taken to a nearby hospital where they remain in stable condition, despite muttering “Scarecrow, Scarecrow, Scarecrow,” over and over again.

Trace amounts of fear toxin were discovered in Crane’s office in the psychology building, prompting a police investigation. Given the severity of the incident, Prince George’s County police handled the search, as UMPD would give up nearly immediately.

Crane has been subject to intense scrutiny over his history of unorthodox research methods. His research interests center around human fear response. Crane received his doctorate from Gotham State University in New Jersey, where he later taught at before taking a position at the University of Maryland.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if Crane was responsible for the attack,” said Dr. Anita Pisz, one of Crane’s colleagues, “he was always talking about finding test subjects for some grand experiment.”

Pisz noted that Crane had asked the department multiple times if he could use students as experimental subjects, all to no avail. Additionally, she commented on Crane’s mental history.

“He’s a fucking nut job,” she said, “Crane was admitted to just about every mental institution, including Arkham Asylum.”

Pisz was informed that the Hare could not include that statement in this article as it “violated medical privacy,” but that “we’ll include it because I don’t get paid enough to uphold ethical standards.”

Image Credits: Joseph Kleinman