Whether you’re a current UMD student looking for a new place to spice things up, or a prospective student looking for the good spots on campus, The Hare has you covered! While we don’t have a statue of Ronald Reagan to piss on, we’ve compiled a list of some great alternatives here in College Park.

#10: McKeldin Fountain: Let’s be honest, the fountain on McKeldin Mall is practically already 90% piss. McKeldin Mall makes for some great sights as you let your stream flow. All around, this one is a solid choice.

#9: Hornbake Plaza Fountain: Although currently closed, the fountain at Hornbake Plaza is one of the best spots on campus. When uncovered, the fountain is a favorite amongst UMD students who leave literal and figurative shit in the pristine waters.

#8: H.J. Patterson Building: H.J. Patterson may suck as a building, but it’s a great place to do your business! The bathrooms found inside are pretty bad, but there are plenty of empty rooms just begging for a huge, steamy dump.

#7: Cornerstone: You’ll certainly be needing to evacuate your bladder after visiting this bar. Cornerstone provides bathrooms, but for the UMD student we suggest just straight up pissing yourself. You and your fellow patrons will be so drunk that no one will even notice!

#6: Kirwan Hall Fountain: Ah, another great fountain on this list. What makes this location so special is the surrounding environment. This fountain is located right outside the math building and in one of the busiest areas of campus. Whether you’re an exibitionist or just have a vendetta against the math department, the fountain outside Kirwan Hall provides great relief.

#5: Roy Rogers: If you ever find yourself needing to take a tinkle while waiting in the Chick-fil-A line, make a detour to Roy Rogers! This bathroom is never busy, so using it isn’t a hassle. If a STAMP employee yells at you, make sure to let them know that this is what they deserve for putting in a fucking Roy Rogers.

#4: The mouth of our editor-in-chief, Tony: He has the taste buds of a dog and would REALLY appreciate it if you sat on his face.

#3: President Pines’ office: This one is self-explanatory.

#2: McKeldin Fountain (again): With a spacious environment and a great flush, McKeldin Fountain makes for the perfect bathroom. Didn’t we mention this one already? Yes, we did. We just want to reiterate how great it is to go right in the middle of the fountain. We aren’t necessarily encouraging you to do so… but we’re not encouraging you not to, if you catch my drift.

#1: The Diamondback newsroom: Fun fact! If you take a shit on a desk in the Diamondback newsroom, they’ll be sure to publish it! Yes, you heard me right: The Diamondback publishes genuine shit. The next time you’re in a rush to go number two, consider dumping your bowels all over the editorial board of that sad excuse for a newspaper.